Can't Teach An Old Pharaoh New Tricks
by Crystia
Summary: Yugi tries to teach a 3000 year old Pharaoh how to text.


It was Joey who started it all.

That was what friends were for, Yugi had learned. You received their support, companionship, love, and homework-copying privileges. But in exchange, you had to endure it when they unknowingly cast you into the most frustrating conversation ever had, and forgive their ignorance when explaining the highly refined art of present day vernacular to an ancient king.

All the while, knowing they remained blissfully unaware of the entire dilemma.

"Joey says he's 'L-M-F-A-O'," the Pharaoh announced one uneventful spring evening, or maybe it only seemed uneventful because Yugi was so used to fighting the dastardly plots of evil (and potentially inebriated) super villains, averting the end of the world, and Joey. Namely, the Joey who was currently introducing the Pharaoh to unnecessary slang.

Yugi blinked. "Huh?"

"I messaged Joey," the Pharaoh elaborated, holding up Yugi's cell phone, a hint of smugness in his voice. Doubtlessly proud that he'd texted someone without help. "He replied L-M-F-A-O," he read each letter carefully out loud. Suddenly suspicious, he continued, "Is that an insult?"

Yugi glanced up from his math homework, concentration momentarily lost. Taking the opportunity to stretch, his joints cracked with the intensity of someone having focused for the entirety of ten minutes: an impressive feat for a boy who preferred card games over schoolwork.

"It's not an insult," he answered belatedly, humoring him because he naively and tragically thought that the subject would be dropped soon enough. After all, this was before Joey had started on his plan to '_cultivate the Pharaoh' _to modern day society, never mind when Téa had pointed out that the man was not a _plant_. Joey countered that asparagus was perfectly regal and befitting of a king.

Yugi abandoned his valiant attempt at parametric equations, leaving his desk and plopping down on the bed with an exhausted yawn. It creaked under his weight, or at least, he pretended it did, since it was just slightly insulting that his small physique allowed for little more than a feeble bounce.

"What does it mean?" he was persistently asked, and the smaller boy shrugged noncommittally. "Is it vulgar?"

The Pharaoh awaited his answer with startling anticipation, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It wasn't a glare, but he clearly expected a reply. Yugi shifted uncomfortably. Sometimes he wondered if Egypt had different standards of 'polite commands', if there was such a thing, but he concluded it most definitely was just a standard for benign but slightly spoiled kings.

As the Pharaoh's official teacher and guide to the modern world, Yugi gave another practiced (and very professional) shrug. He'd already shown his friend how to use a cell phone—which had taken a _generous_ amount of time, given that the Pharaoh hadn't even known what a dial tone was, and had thought that a 'call' literally meant shouting into the device—and Yugi thought it rather unfair that he was expected to explain the entire language of instant messaging, as well.

Not that the sessions didn't have their perks. When introducing his friend to the cell phone _camera_, the Egyptian hadn't quite understood the concept of his image instantly being frozen and saved without several hours of waiting for the Royal Painter of the Egyptian Palace to paint his divine image.

Joey had held a moment of heartbroken silence when Yugi had been kind enough to delete the Pharaoh's accidental (and remarkably unflattering) self-taken pictures.

Of course, unbeknownst to Joey, the smaller teen wasn't quite _that_ generous. Yugi might or might not have _accidentally_ overlooked just one or two or maybe three of those pictures, and with the Pharaoh unaware of how to delete them, the respectable king's uncomplimentary expressions were forever saved in the phone's memory card.

After he familiarized himself with twenty-first century technology, however, the yami had learned relatively quickly, for someone from the wrong millennia. Soon he managed the phone's different options adequately if not adeptly, and Yugi had finally given him the modern-teenager stamp of approval. Now trusted not to destroy the deceivingly simple-looking device, the Pharaoh had free reign of their cell phone.

Unfortunately, Yami had quickly found out that learning the technology was simple compared to deciphering incoming 'texts'.

"Not bad?" the king asked doubtfully, unable to fully believe that Joey had gone one full text message without saying something crude or foul. He'd only been conversing with their friends via phone for a few days, but it took much less to learn Joey's favorite choice of diction.

"Well, not exactly," Yugi answered vaguely, offering only a self-conscious shrug. He was quite good at those. He thought it only fair to put that talent to good use.

"Then what does it mean?" Yami repeated with admirable determination, analyzing the offending acronym with a dedicated frown. "Does it stand for something?"

"Erm...Yeah?" Yugi agreed, answering the safer of the two questions. He leaned back against the wall, his pillow just out of arm's reach to his right. With a tinge of dismay, he discovered his legs barely reached the other end of his bed- the _short_ way. When Tristan came over, he had trouble fitting _any_ way, often sprawling so that one appendage hung off of each of the four sides.

Meanwhile, Yugi would sit on the floor, wondering (admittedly, without much sincerity) if for everything that Yugi was eternally grateful for, for all that Yugi loved their friendship, if their codependence didn't have just the smallest, _tiniest_ curse mixed in with all that goodness.

Because after friends, Yugi had always wished to be tall, and every time they switched, the Pharaoh would grow and then their body would _shrink_ back as soon as Yugi took over, as if taunting him for every carton of milk he chugged down and for every green bean he'd _forced_ down-

"So?" Yami asked, puzzled why Yugi hadn't told him what it meant yet and unaware of his inner chagrin. The smaller boy offered a sheepish half-smile. So maybe he didn't actually care about the height, but that didn't mean he couldn't think about it to avoid the topic. "What does it stand for?"

"Well, it means...Laughing...My..." he answered slowly, drawing out the last word and trailing off as he reached the end. He wasn't sure if the Pharaoh knew the meaning of the word 'F', and he wasn't sure he wanted to explain. Normally he enjoyed when the roles reversed, and he could help his friend and return the favors Yami always provided for him, but in this particular scenario, he suspected he'd rather just leave well enough alone.

"That's the 'L' and 'M'," Yami nodded, not noticing his friend's discomfort and trying to figure out what the 'F' and 'A' stood for. "What about the rest?"

"Err..." Yugi mumbled uncertainly. He shrugged unconvincingly, before finally answering in a clear, confident voice.

"Excuse me?" Yami asked, having the nerve not to understand him even after Yugi had worked so hard to be so direct. He normally hated explaining such things, but he'd sacrificed his comfort zone for his friend, and the Pharaoh hadn't even been listening. Typical.

But Yugi was patient, so he repeated his answer with staggering clarity. He was all for giving second chances, after all. "It means laughing my fuhgiengosorfa..."

"What?" the Pharaoh asked again, and indeed he deserved pity, because Yugi thought somberly that his hearing must finally be catching up with his age.

"I'm not saying it again," Yugi said defiantly, although it might have come out sounding suspiciously more like a wail. There went what little dignity he had, disappearing right along with whatever hope he had of hitting six feet.

"Oh," Yami said, and Yugi felt an unpleasant mixture of guilt, embarrassment, and sheer determination. "Should I ask Joey, then?"

"No!" Yugi answered quickly, and Yami raised his eyebrows at the abruptly enthusiastic response. Finally becoming suspicions, although with Yugi, it said something about the Pharaoh's people skills if it took the man that long to realize the smaller boy was withholding something. Yugi offered a tentative smile as a clever cover up. "I mean, it's not important."

"Yugi, are you sure you don't know?" the Egyptian king asked skeptically, beginning to suspect the reason behind the other boy's hesitance. He could at least recognize when Yugi was feigning a smile.

But before he could ask again, the phone buzzed in his hand, catching him off guard and resulting in a startled jump. Yugi bit his lip when the Pharaoh peeked over to see if the other boy had noticed the jolt, but he had a feeling his amusement was clearly visible anyway. The spirit turned away with a stately pout, carefully clicking through the cell phone's menu to check the newest text. Yugi could only hope that he'd been sufficiently distracted enough to save him from having to teach the unrefined language of the present day youth.

If he'd known that Yami was making a silent promise to mind-crush the unfortunate inventor of 'vibrate', of course, he might not have felt so at ease. Still, the Pharaoh was unlikely to follow through on his internal cursing.

Probably.

"Yugi, I think Téa's phone is broken," Yami exclaimed suddenly, his kingly silent treatment lasting little more than a few seconds. Glad he wouldn't have to return to his homework and pleased by the sudden subject change, Yugi answered eagerly. Little did he know that the creators of 'vibrate' had also been spared by the distraction.

"Why do you think that?" he asked curiously.

"Her last message only has two letters, over and over again," the Pharaoh said worriedly, glancing up from the apparent abnormality. Yugi tilted his head in confusion.

"Really?" he asked curiously. The smaller boy leaned over the shoulder of his darker half, peeking at the screen. "Let me see."

Trailing across the screen, Téa's _'Lololololololol!'_ glinted up at him ominously. Yugi couldn't resist a face-palm. It doubled as an appropriate response as well as a means to cover his irrepressible smile. Sometimes he thought it was moments like these that made it all worth the hardships they'd gone through, just the simple moments when he couldn't _not_ smile. When he was reminded that the Pharaoh was just a person, but more importantly, was Yugi's friend.

"Or perhaps she's in trouble, and she's being prevented from sending us a full message. We should hurry, and make sure-" Yami rambled before being cut off by a fit of poorly muffled giggles. "What's so funny?" he asked, affronted.

"I think Téa's fine, Pharaoh," Yugi explained good-naturedly, a longer than normal pause before his answer as he continued to try and stop laughing. "'Lol' stands for 'Laugh Out Loud. You must have said something funny."

"Laugh Out Loud?" Yami said blankly, utterly baffled. "I don't remember saying anything funny."

"Here, let's look," Yugi took the cell phone, expertly clicking through various menus and checking the last message he'd sent. His brow wrinkled in confusion when he reached his target. "Why were you telling her part of the alphabet?"

Yugi studied the screen in confusion, reading the last message the Pharaoh had sent. The message read: _'LMNOP'._

"I thought that's what she _wanted_ me to answer," the Pharaoh replied, and skimming back to the message before, Yugi saw that Téa had sent him a '_jk'_. "She started it."

"Yami," Yugi said slowly, trying not to burst out laughing again. His shoulders shook with the effort.

"Yes?" the Pharaoh asked, oblivious.

"'jk' means 'Just Kidding'," Yugi finally snickered, unable to hold back a grin.

"What?" Yami blurted, incredulous. He had been fooled by an electronic piece of plastic. That wretched technology. "Why can't people just write out the whole word?"

Yugi bit his lip as the Pharaoh crossed his arms indignantly as he continued to chuckle. He meant no unkindness, but he also knew the king disliked being laughed at.

"It's shorter that way," Yugi replied, his eyes still sparkling with amusement. He successfully managed to quiet his laughter, but the Pharaoh was unimpressed.

"It's not funny, Aibou," the king protested, stubbornly refusing to smile. Still, Yugi could tell that his friend wasn't angry, only grudgingly irked. "There are so many abbreviations, the messages are practically gibberish!"

"Don't worry," Yugi comforted him, handing the phone back to the spirit. The black plastic reflected back a crimson reflection of the Pharaoh's eyes as it passed between their hands. "It _is_ confusing, and you're just starting to learn. You'll get the hang of it in no time."

"Life was so much simpler back in Egypt," Yami couldn't help but grumble, ignoring the reassurance in favor of recalling memories of horses and messages, written hieroglyphs and royal scriptures.

"Pharaoh, you're starting to sound like Grandpa," his cheerful partner teased.

"Your grandfather is a wise man," Yami replied grimly, but couldn't help but respond with a reluctant smile.

"A wise, _old_ man," Yugi couldn't help but add with a wicked smirk. Although rather than a wicked smirk, the accompanying cackle resembled more of a mischievous giggle. He never really managed to pull off the 'pure evil' look, or even a 'slightly evil'. It was hard being an imposing villain when he could pass as an elementary schooler.

"Well, maybe you should respect your elders," the Pharaoh sniffed airily, a hint of his former nobility seeping into his tone. "Namely, me."

"Sure, Yami," Yugi agreed brightly. The king frowned; somehow the freely given answer gave him no satisfaction.

"I think you mean, '_yes, my Pharaoh'_."

"Is this where you start telling me to fetch you a fluffier pillow?" Yugi asked, rolling his eyes and leaning back to rest his head on the wall behind him. "Did you answer Joey and Téa yet?"

"A fluffier pillow would be nice," Yami mused, earning a light whack from the pillow in question. "But what am I supposed to answer them with?"

"I don't know, just type a smiley face or something," Yugi suggested, looking back at his math worksheet in an attempt to re-focus.

The duelist nodded in assent, fixated on typing out the response. Yugi grinned at the Pharaoh's serious expression. Really, it shouldn't take that much concentration to text something so simple, and he couldn't help but find it pleasantly entertaining.

...Then again, it really shouldn't take that many _letters_ to type something so simple, either. Frowning, Yugi leaned back over Yami's shoulder to see what was taking so long.

Slowly and meticulously, the Pharaoh was typing out, _'s-m-i-l-e-y f-a-'_

"Pharaoh," Yugi objected, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant! They're going to tease you if you send that!"

"What? But I already sent one to Téa," Yami replied blankly.

The boy hung his head in tragic defeat, but quickly recovered.

"That's okay," Yugi said optimistically. "I'll just teach you how to type a smiley face so you can use it in the future. See? You do it like this."

Taking matters into his own hands, he pressed several buttons, typing in _' :) '_.

"What's that?" Yami asked dubiously after a brief pause, staring at the offending symbol with distaste.

Yugi hid a smile, knowing the Pharaoh wouldn't appreciate it if his hikari found his disgruntled frown endearing rather than intimidating.

"It's a smiley face," he informed the spirit knowledgeably. He tried not to sound too presumptuous, now that he was the one doing the teaching rather than the watching. He didn't quite succeed, but luckily the Pharaoh seemed unbothered.

"It doesn't _look_ like a smiley face," the spirit replied distrustfully, critical but taking his word for it. "It just looks like two dots and a curvy line."

"Pharaoh, a smiley face _is_ two dots and a curvy line."

"Yes, but that line is _vertical_."

"Tilt your head!"

"If I have to tilt my head, it's not a good smiley face," Yami declared haughtily, disregarding the sage advice. Yugi sighed, before trying one last attempt of reason.

"But Pharaoh, there's no way on the keyboard to make an upright smiley face," Yugi said patiently, gesturing to the letters on the phone to prove his point.

The spirit glanced down at the simple keypad, but was undeterred. As the king of Egypt, Yami refused to let even a seemingly insignificant disagreement go without a fight.

"Well, no smiley face is better than a sideways smiley face," the Pharaoh insisted.

"Now you're just being difficult," Yugi shook his head, amused.

"If people want to type smiley faces so badly, they should just invent a new key on the keyboard that makes upright smiley faces," Yami decided, crossing his arms and nodding his head regally in self-agreement.

"Maybe you could talk to Kaiba about it," Yugi conceded. "But really, that's beside the point. Téa is probably going to 'lol' again when she reads your message."

"How do you know?" the Pharaoh asked accusingly.

"I don't know for sure," he admitted. "But it's really unusual to type out 'smiley face', so she's probably going to laugh-"

"No, she didn't," Yami declared victoriously as Yugi was interrupted by a buzzing phone. And this time, the Pharaoh sat regally still, completely unalarmed by the vibrate feature. Well, _almost_ completely unalarmed.

Yugi courteously pretended he hadn't noticed his friend's startled jolt.

"Really?" he asked curiously instead, politely ignoring how the spirit almost dropped their phone. He was, however, genuinely surprised that Téa hadn't found Yami's last text amusing. "What did she say?"

"Well," the Pharaoh said slowly as read the message. "What does '_ROTFL'_ stand for?"

Yugi felt the corners of his mouth twitch up at the ironic question, but quickly faded as he realized the implications.

Banging his head down on his notebook, Yugi realized it would take extensive effort to teach Yami how to text fluently. And to do so would require his full attention, and complete disregard for his math test tomorrow.

Still, the teen didn't mind. Lifting his eyes and giving his friend a smile, Yugi put down his homework and prepared for a long night.

* * *

**Review! ...For the sake of Yami's hated sideways smiley. :)**


End file.
